In an ideal world we would all get along with our parents and have them in our lives, but sadly that isn’t always reflected in our real lives. In Britain, research by the charity Stand Alone suggests around one in five families may be affected by estrangement.
While the experience is still often cloaked in secrecy and shame for many of us, it’s perhaps no longer as taboo as it once was and estrangement will often be a result of a long standing situation that is causing emotional distress to someone, usually the adult child.
Decision to cut off contact
Before someone makes the decision to cut off contact with their family, they will consider very carefully the loneliness and pain of leaving a family. It’s a massive decision with far reaching consequences.
Sometimes estrangement can be the result of physical or sexual abuse, addiction or mental health issues on one side or the other. And sometimes it can reflect an irreconcilable clash of religious, ethical or political beliefs. Does anyone remember Brexit and the generational divide that caused for a while? Parental separation and remarriage is also a risk factor, especially if the adult child dislikes a step-parent or feels pushed to take sides. Estrangement is also more common among LGBTQ+ young people if, for example, their parents are unable to accept their child's sexuality.
But sometimes things are less clearcut. Sometimes estrangement can look more like the product of a therapy-friendly generation that defines abuse more broadly than their own parents may have done, and believes in putting boundaries around people who make them unhappy, even if they are your parents.
When a child cuts off contact with their parents, the experience of the parents can feel like a bereavement.
The idea that parental love is no longer unconditional can be very frightening for parents who genuinely believe they have done their best as a parent, only to be judged by the standards of a different generation. As with any relationship breakup, estrangement can leave behind it a trail of the hurt and sadness.
So why do people take a decision to estrange themselves from their parents?
A parent could feel that they did a good job as a parent, and their child could feel that their parents behaviour was hurtful in some way. Typically, the adult child is trying to express something that’s important to them, even if it confuses the rejected parent and is not understood by the parent.
In some instances estrangement can be a child’s way of disentangling themselves from a controlling and suffocating parental relationship.
Parents sometimes find it hard to reconcile their version of themselves as a parent with their child's view of them as a parent. Parents may reflect on everything they feel that they did for their children, from birthday parties to paying for University and they can sometimes find it hard to empathise with how their children feel about them as a parent in light of the sacrifices they feel they made.
However, it’s usually the child who has the upper hand, as the child is ultimately the person who is willing to walk out. While estrangement is increasingly seen as the strong, assertive thing to do, it can also have huge ramifications for an entire family.
What most confuses parents is the way definitions of abusive behaviour have shifted since they grew up. Many parents grew up when smacking or shouting at your children was considered normal and they really can’t understand why their child has cut off contact with them for actions that they don’t see as wrong.
How far will an Adult child go?
Deciding what you are prepared to accept from an abusive parent is a highly individual decision that each adult child must carefully work through for themselves. The adult child can then decide how they would like to protect themselves.
Adult children who have made a decision to end contact with their own parents can experience tough situations. Christmas, birthdays and family occasions can be tough for them and tinged with sadness that they don’t share a close relationship with their parents.
Generational trauma can be a big factor for some families. Many parents aren’t even aware of generational trauma, sometimes because they don’t understand or are not aware of generational trauma. It can create tensions when parents don’t understand why they’ve been cut off. This can be true for parents who have themselves survived difficult upbringings and can’t understand why their children are so affected by the upbringing they provided as a parent.
Parents who are experiencing estrangement think about their children every day and can experience all of the stages of grief while grieving this relationship.
The positive point is that the vast majority of estranged adult children eventually resume contact with their families. Adult children can find it hard to block their parents out from their life completely due to the complexities of carrying this out.
Adult children struggling to deal with a hyper-critical or undermining parent can try giving them a chance to change. For example, the parents' behaviour could make family get-togethers hard and the adult child could start by asking them to stop criticising their partner, parenting, or whatever the trigger is. If nothing changes, then the adult child can say that their parent’s behaviour makes it difficult to see them or have contact with them. It is then up to the paren, on the receiving end of the warnings, to be humble enough to listen to their adult child and to think about their actions and behaviour towards their adult child. . The natural reaction can be to fight strongly against it. But that’s often the thing that can turn your child even further against you. When we start blaming, defending, criticising or guilt-tripping, none of those actions are going to work to build a healthy and strong relationship with anyone.
Relationship Breakdown
If an adult child and parent find themselves in a situation where their relationship breaks down then family therapy could step in and help. Boundaries have to be considered and for some of us, it may be that contact has to become low to manage those boundaries in the short term and resolve the issues that are present.
But for others it’s less clearcut, if for example, their parents die before they have a chance to reconcile their relationship. This can be devastating for someone, even if they didn’t necessarily want that person in their life. It can lead people to feel robbed of the parent they always wanted, but will now never have, which can be incredibly sad.
Estrangement can be painful for all involved but the primary thing to remember is to communicate what is going wrong and how we feel, so everyone is aware of what can be done to repair a relationship or leave the relationship, whichever is the best decision for all concerned. Adult children can choose not to have a relationship with their parents if they feel they can no longer have their parents in their life and increasingly, that is becoming an option for many adult children. x
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